One step forward, two steps back

One step forward, two steps back…….the common phrase that we use daily. I used it when working on projects that were not going to plan, with my job being to turn those around until we had no steps back, always making progress.

Now, I use it to describe my mental health, especially today. Lots of common phrases for it, the ones I like being ‘Good days, bad days’ and used it as a blog post title, my first mental health post that started this all off.

It seems to be the way of things that no matter how much you get on the front foot, something is round the corner waiting to steal away your recovery.

Today was such a day. Unfinished business from the company, a letter dropped through the door bringing more hassle and stress, which means I can’t get the closure required to get on with life. I can’t blame anyone else as it was my decisions that dragged us to this point and I take responsibility but it seems it’s the gift that keeps giving. No matter what I do, there will be someone ready to throw a spanner in the works, then behave like bumholes when you go to sort it out, adding to the stress and hassle of the situation.

Recently, the company was due to be struck off at Companies House, which is what I wanted. There was an objection raised and after a couple of months of requests to CH, who are nothing more than a big register, the objector still hasn’t made themselves known.

The process is such that I email CH, who write back acknowledging and it could take three days to respond. Then another group get involved who take another three days to respond and then they contact the objector, who has four days to respond. One request takes two working weeks to get nowhere. And the objector sits in the shadow of anonymity, seemingly just wanting to make it difficult for me as CH can’t disclose their identity without permission.

Today, the letter I received was something that has been going back and forth for some time, possibly unrelated to the strike off objection, possibly not. I’ve explained the position, they continue to push and I continue to repeat my position, which cannot change, despite their protestations.

The perfect Catch 22. And the preserve of the moron who ‘is just doing their job, the way it’s always been done.’ This may well be the saddest and most despicable phrase in the English language. No thought, no emotion, just repeating the same crap every day as it always has been.

The net effect though is that I feel like I’ve been kicked in the mental dangly bits and any energy or willingness to do anything has dissipated, any enjoyment or joy has been banished. Like a light going out and sitting in the dark blanket of dusk, permanently.

I hope I can shake this off, start moving and get things done but I can’t see it right now. So much to do and it can all sod off.

Hope for better tomorrow and maybe I can get to ‘one step forward, one step back’, then I know it’s starting for the better.

Until the next barrier that is waiting.