For the past couple of days, I’ve been home to anxiety. This is the result of a recent hassle I’ve had where I was dealing with a process junkie on a power trip and I can’t handle the negative emotions that accompany conflict any more.
The old me would have dealt with it, managed it through and moved on without breaking a sweat but I am discovering more that the new me can’t handle stressful situations. I get uptight, frustrated and angry way too easily, which unbalances me to the point that I get more worked up by my reaction rather than the issue at hand.
It’s one of those horrible cycles where I am drawn into a downward spiral and all it takes is talking to a buffoon, a person whose logic has long left them. It’s not my problem as it’s theirs but I am the one left reeling as I analyse over and over again.
And that’s a horrible place. Overthinking, judging and then analysing some more to then judge yourself all over again, all without the aid of a net leading to a freefall. Which is where I am now.
I am trying breathing, mindfulness and diversion tactics. I’m going out later and will take a walk to see if I can exercise those stress chemicals out my system, replacing them with lovely, lovely endorphins. This leads to another quandary as the anxiety makes me tired, not a simple 40 naps tired but akin to exhaustion no matter how much I sleep. I then need to force myself to get going and go do my things while I don’t feel like moving.
Then the overthinking comes in again, leading to judgement and thumping my self worth.
Right now I am trying to stop my thoughts going to rumination and overthinking situations that are dead and gone. I was looking through a web page earlier and a few ghosts came up to bite me which are long gone. I don’t want to think about these things, but my mind is taking me there in everything I read or do, connecting it with some event from way long ago that has no relevance today, exerting a power over me that I can’t seem to shift.
This feeds the anxiety and the negative downward spiral starts all over again. I am trying to break the cycle and finding it hard. When anxiety takes a grip, it’s vice like and suffocating, affecting everything I do, clouding my ability to operate and think practically. Even writing this now has started off a chain in my head (why are you doing this? Who’s interested in what you have to say? That’s a load of shite you’ve just written, why do you do it?) and I am fighting for control.
And all because I couldn’t deal with an egotist.
Who’s the fool?