I’ve said it before, recovery from my breakdown is a slow process. It’s taking so much longer than I would ever have believed, but it is what it is and I’m in it for the long haul.
I sold up the business and stopped working last November and I haven’t worked since. Simple tasks have been beyond me, making me irritable and withdrawn as a result. Can’t do noise, drama or people, keeping away from stressful situations and trigger points.
The biggest trigger point is dealing with the fallout of the business and there was a fair bit, still going on today. There is a date coming where the company should cease to exist, putting an end to those issues for good. I still have other bits of fallout to deal with and they are ongoing, will be for sometime, so hopefully with the pile smaller, I can deal with daily life.
Simple things like dealing with car insurance have had a big impact on me, as mistakes were made and it’s taken a lot out of me to deal with it. You’d think that buying car insurance would be easy, but it has become harder to deal with them or I’m dealing with the wrong companies.
Then there is the fatigue that goes with this illness, which can be debilitating in itself. It is not solely a physical tiredness but one that hits the ability to think and sucks everything out of you, seemingly all at once. I guess it’s having to act ‘normally’ or engage with others that drains the energy most and this can last for a few days.
After being referred to the Mental Health Services team, where my medication was altered and gives more focus to my recovery, this has seemed to calm in the past few weeks, but it is not something I take for granted. As I have learned, this Sneaky Bastard of an Illness doesn’t let go easily and the road to recovery is certainly not straight nor predictable.
This week I’ve been exercising more, took my daughter to our favourite ice cream place and generally been in a better place. I’m not out of the woods, not by a long way, but I do feel better in myself, which I will embrace but not push too far. We go on holiday shortly and I really look forward to that, being on the beaches and breathing the highland air again, exploring new places.
I’ve also started to make plans, which I couldn’t before as I didn’t know if I would be right or not. I’m meeting with my two old buddies who I’ve known since school and won’t judge if I get too tired or wiped out at some point in the proceedings. I’m also thinking about going away again to camp before the end of the season and feel like I have wanderlust in my soul.
I’d really like to find a job I can do from anywhere and still looking to see what I can do to bring cash in doing something that I actually enjoy, but that hasn’t presented itself yet. I’m still hopeful it’s out there and I find it before too long as I can’t risk recovery doing something that reintroduces stress and pressure into my life.
For now, I ride the waves of recovery, hoping that I can come out the other side without being changed too much, as I know this illness has changed me as a person. It’s bound to do that.
I hope that I like that guy.