I used to be a happy, go lucky sort of chap. Driven and outgoing, it would be fair to say I was a people person. I liked company, I liked talking to others and was energised at the thought of a night out with others.
I’d be right in the middle of it all, laughing and talking, right there with any shenanigans that were happening. I was all energy that gained more from contact with others.
Now, it couldn’t be further from the truth. I find people and situations draining, actively avoiding social contact where possible. I tend to avoid busy places and situations where I there is a chance of meeting others or having some form of contact, preferring peace and solitude, certainly minimising the chances of dealing with others.
As a friend on social media said once ‘I don’t like going outside. It’s too peopley out there.’ I can relate to that and understand what it means. It’s not necessarily a social anxiety or worrying what people think about me, it’s the draining feeling of simply conversing with others, plus dealing with the nutters that are inevitably out there that somehow are drawn to me.
It’s not down to other people, it’s certainly down to me and how I feel about / relate to others. The change is in me and this Sneaky Bastard of an Illness has taken the positives from me. Dealing with others is hard and I’m struggling to think of a positive and energising conversation I’ve had in recent times, with people only reinforcing my low expectation.
There are some, however, who make me stop and think. On posting something along this topic in social media, a couple of friends posted in response. One quoted the lyrics of George Michael’s Kissing a Fool, which have a melancholic flow to them, such was the tortured soul of the writer. It was a beautiful reminder that others, far more talented than me, have gone through this and write so well about it.
Then my old and dear friend, Lord G posted that people are awesome, this coming from a man with a tattoo that says ‘An awfully big adventure’ and with such a great attitude to life, I have to listen. There are awesome people and I do have them in my life, but seeing them is all too infrequent, but they make their presence known when I am able to reflect.
Unfortunately, the sensible and inspiring voices are being lost in the noise of others who have no real positive things to say but they are letting loose anyway. Just look at political views for further evidence, where positive and humanitarian people are being shouted down by a shrill and loud cacophony of negativity, clouding judgement of what they have to say. It’s been that way through history with people who have a positive message are besieged with character assassinations at all points by people wanting to protect their own positions.
For me, all I can do is keep the awesome people in my life and hope that some of their special qualities rub off on me. I would dearly love to be able to enjoy company and find my mojo, my groove. Perhaps, one day.
Until then, I will enjoy my solitude and thoughts to keep me company.