I struggled to get out of bed this morning. Nothing much unusual about that as for me, it is a common occurrence. Gone are the days I got out of bed with a ‘let’s do it!’, now it’s more of an ‘och, better get up then’.
The meds don’t appear to be right and I’m struggling. I’m tired, without motivation, sleeping a lot and irritable. I’m pushing others away and just want to be on my own, without interruption. I certainly don’t want drama, emotion or conflict.
It may be the meds or more simply my mood. I feel under siege and have done for several months, with the relentless chipping of outsiders raking over the coals of the business that died last year, due to my illness.
I went away camping and came back feeling better, but then there was a blow up with car insurance (again) and back into the mire. You think that buying car insurance should be easy, right? Think again, this was painful and continues to be painful.
In short, everything is hard work for me and when I go to do something menial, it goes wrong and my confidence takes another hit. I used to manage complex situations and projects but I can’t do something straightforward without it going to crap.
Take the car – I decided to work on the handbrake shoes and as they were nearing end of life, I managed to hasten their departure and cause a fair amount to rectify. In short, I screwed up and cost myself a lot of money, that I don’t have to burn.
Confidence is a strange and complex beast. Have too much, it can be destructive. Have too little and it can be very limiting. I have little at the moment and have withdrawn from doing a lot of things, more as a protection. Yes, I probably should push myself but when you are constantly tired and have low confidence, it’s a hard thing to do. It’s so much easier to pull the covers over my head and keep the world out.
Depression and anxiety are cruel, as my friend and fellow sufferer calls it; A Sneaky Bastard of an Illness. She is spot on as it robs you of motivation, thought and any notion of self. It may be that the meds are contributing and I am fed up with feeling fed up.
A few things to do today, as Daughter is singing at Birmingham Symphony Hall later today with the county choir, so she needs ferrying around. Love her to bits and hope she has a great time.
I just hope my mood is not reflecting on her and that she grabs the opportunity with both hands.
Until tomorrow, look after yourself.