Well, it’s summary time.
I’ve a follow up appointment today with the psychiatrist and it’s time to reflect on the past few weeks since my last visit.
I’ve been away camping in north of Scotland, loving every second and came back chilled out. Who wouldn’t after being in quiet isolation in a place they love? The views, the beaches, the air, it’s all so cleansing and restorative.
On returning, it seems that it’s been again a never ending stream of crap that drags me down and big into a dark place, then keeps me there with constant updates. It’s either cars or insurance or fallout from the company still trundling along.
I don’t know if it’s the heat, but people have become even more argumentative and we see the effects of a divided nation. Too many conversations where it’s about division, with everyone seemingly on broadcast mode and unable to listen. If we could just open our minds for a time, we’d learn so much more and take the anger and hate out of the equation.
This does affect me negatively and putting it all together means that I find it inordinately hard to relax. It’s almost like keeping a pan of water on constant simmer, never allowing it to boil or calm, just constantly bubbling under the surface, topping up when needed. I truly can’t recall the last time I was able to relax fully, feeling the tension drain from my body and being able to enjoy the moment.
That seems like a bloody good topic of conversation for later on today. It’s also a spiral as I feel tense, so I respond without thinking and regret it instantly, making me feel worse. Irritability is not pleasant on either side and I wish I could relax to get rid of it.
There are positives. I’ve learned a few new skills, all around fixing and maintaining cars, which has pleased me to be able to do something new. Not hard and have a positive effect on car ownership for Lady M and me, so there’s a positive.
Our daughter is singing at Birmingham Symphony Hall this week and her end of year exams have all been excellent, an A* student with bright prospects. She is becoming more and more focused on music, which delights me and is developing into a good musician, which is fantastic.
Our son finishes school this week, with prize giving coming up. He won the Maths prize last year and is a clever little sod, doing more year 5 work this year, which is a year ahead.
Happy, bright and talented kids, plus a supportive wife. You’d think I’d be be able to relax and enjoy this but the Sneaky Bastard of an Illness won’t let me.
Won’t stop me trying though.