Once again, I’m writing from a low place and it sucks.
I’ve had my medication adapted to dual and must have settled by now but I feel low. It seems that I am still easily rattled by small things, such as the car issue and being unable to fix it. Then worrying about money after paying for it.
It’s a wholly unpleasant place to be and for the sake of my family, I need to get better. But nothing seems to be working, every time I seem to progress, I get pulled back into the blackness. It’s depressing in itself.
I am sleeping a lot more as a result, with a full night’s sleep and then more during the day. I can’t seem to get anything done without having to go for a damn sleep. I know, if needed I should accept it and allow myself space to heal, but when does that move to recovery?
There is also the lucid dreaming which is back, strange and disconnected dreams that leave me puzzled while I remember them. Then there are the scenarios that play out in my head, ridiculous fantasy which have no bearing on reality but there they are in spite of it all.
I have spoken to Lady M about work and I still can’t face it. I’m not talking about returning to project management, that will never happen, but more about temp work on a part time basis. My confidence was hit hard during my project career and I kept going, wading through crap contracts with idiotic and cartoon-esque management of companies you’d think would know better. The pressure cooker environment of project work is hard to manage and increased by factor n when you are dealing with people who are not that capable but play political games.
Then there was the cafe, where you’d think it’s easy as it’s a small team and people just work. Not a bit of it. The crap I had to deal with internally and externally was heavy at a time when my mental health started to bite hard and then breakdowns happened. I managed to keep working as there was no alternative, even made some progress but then I was dragged back into the mire and eventually closed the business as I couldn’t go on. I did manage a sale, which helped.
I am still dealing with fallout from the business and people who just don’t seem to get that there’s nothing to gain from pursuing the company. I’ve given up writing to them now and they can waste their own time, money and effort to get nowhere. It still has a negative effect on me though, which I can’t seem to avoid.
In short, I am fed up being fed up.
I have a follow up psychiatric appointment coming up soon and hope that something can be gleaned that will put me on the road to recovery. My confidence in doing any form of work is so low that I don’t want to try and I certainly don’t want to mix with people in a work environment either. As for dealing with customers, not a bloody chance.
For now, it’s back to riding the waves once again.