Battle

An insight to the strange mind of a mental health sufferer.

I’ve an appointment with a specialist today with Adult Mental Health service and will likely be a psychiatrist. I have been up and down for some time now, with Lady M stepping in and getting me more help, and I am grateful.

While I am looking forward to the appointment, there is a sense of trepidation also. This is down to anxiety, which is saying that I’m a fraud and will be found out. There’s nothing wrong and they will see me as a malingering arse who is wasting their time. They will laugh scornfully and angrily evict me from their presence, worthless piece of crap.

It’s the kind of thought patterns that happen when anxiety kicks in and starts to build, chipping away at your self worth. Anxiety is the manic twisted sibling of depression which is something when you consider what depression does to you.

It’s like being miserable and not wanting to do a thing but pull the covers over your head, but there is anxiety drilling away at any piece of positivity you may have left by telling you what you should be doing, why you should be doing it now or the consequences will be catastrophic and it’s all your fault, you brought this on, you deserve it, NOW GO DO IT!

It’s a horrific feeling and difficult to wrestle with, even when I deploy the mindfulness technique of detachment to watch the thoughts, it’s still a hard fight. And it’s draining, oh so draining, the battle with your own brain.

These thoughts start as whispers and that’s certainly the time to deal with them as they are simply cold breezes on a warm day or a temporary cloud on clear blue sky. It’s when it gets nearer to the event you are worried about that the breeze turns into more a constant wind that has the ability to crescendo if unopposed.

I’m glad Lady M will be there with me today and we’ll do the normal thing of going for coffee first, which will be better than pacing the house, waiting for the time to go. We will go early, take our time and walk in to the appointment calm and relaxed. I need to quell the dissenting voice which is starting to tense up my body and keep telling myself that the doctor is there to help me as a specialist in MH. With no Ollivander wand to hand in real life, they will use their experience and knowledge to help me in my fight against this Sneaky Bastard of an Illness.

I go with hope, that something positive will come out of this consultation and positive steps will be made in my recovery.

I also go with two conflicting voices in my head, locked in a battle to spread chaos and destruction of anything positive. They are the reason I am in this position today and I can’t let them win.

Have a good day and be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

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