The Burden

I’ve been binge watching The Shield, a TV drama about an LA police station, notably a team of dodgy cops getting deeper and deeper tangled due to their previous activities. This is thanks to a friend who put me on to it.

One of the dirty cops turns to another and says ‘Do I need to remind you of all the shit we’re carrying?’ I thought about that in my context, not that I am an LA detective on the take or doing something dodgy, but thinking about all the shit that I am carrying.

I’ve been through a fair bit in the past ten years or so. The stressful contracts that had me working long and high pressured hours, the conflict of dealing with difficult people with differing objectives, the collapse of my business with all the fallout and countless number of issues to be dealt with in daily life that have contributed to my illness. Two breakdowns in a year have shown that I have been pushing through too much for too long a time.

Then there is the effect it has on my family, my wife and kids. They don’t deserve to see all the fallout of years of carrying crap and that in itself brings pressures. I recall the nights they’d be in bed and I’d be downstairs a wreck thinking they should never see me like that. The times I’d drink too much wine (I do have a soft spot for a nice Sauvignon Blanc), to the point I could hardly see and give myself a hangover for a weekend just to blot out reality.

I’m not saying I have or have had a drink problem, just that I used alcohol to get me to the point of relax and forget for a while, which is not healthy, not in the least.

I’ve not worked since November 2016 and not sure when I will make it back to work or what kind of work I’ll do. It certainly won’t be what I’ve been doing before as that would be repeating mistakes and falling into familiar patterns. I won’t do that to my family again, never mind myself.

I would love to write freelance but haven’t a clue how to go about doing that. I enjoy writing about a variety of subjects, things that are running about my brain and that I put to some use. It would also suit my preference of working from home, which in turn helps me manage my health and wellbeing. Lady M is working hard to keep everything going and that’s not easy to have that pressure, which does concern me. I really appreciate the strength she shows, keeping it all together.

Here I am today, recovering from illness, carrying a lot on my shoulders as baggage. It has to be dealt with, won’t go away easily and somethings I will take for some time. I have to learn how to be comfortable with some of that load as it won’t ever go away and I need in some way to make it lighter, more easy to carry, not such a burden.

For now, I keep going and hope to lighten the load as I get stronger. It’s all I can do for the sake of my family.

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