Fail, drown, repeat

The world can be a strange place and people, even more strange.

What brought me to this? Well, read on and I’ll explain it all.

For those that unaware of my story, I had a successful consultancy business that I closed due to a career change, which was following a bit of a dream to own a cafe. I was aware that I wasn’t great health wise and as the job was stressful, it seemed a positive move at the time. Which wasn’t the way it turned out.

I became ill, seriously ill with two breakdowns and I have no clue how I kept going for so long. In the end, I closed the business as I could not carry on going and it was having a detrimental effect on my health and family. Due to the sudden closure, the business carried debts which it could not pay and still rumbles on today.

Under UK law, a limited company is a legal entity, which means if there is debt that the company, not the directors, carries the burden. Any action has to be taken against the company and the director is not liable for the company debt.

I have written to all the creditors to make them aware of the situation, that with no funds, no bank account or assets, the company is unable to pay the debt, which for a person with mental health issues as myself and takes responsibility seriously, is very difficult to accept. However, that is the reality of the situation.

One company does not seem to understand this and is racking up costs regardless in trying to recover a small debt. They have gone to court to gain a CCJ, which could not be contested on the grounds presented in law and therefore, more costs were added which cannot be recovered. They have stopped the company from dissolving at Companies House, a government body which acts as a register of companies in the UK. I have contacted them and the party blocking has refused to identify themselves to me, therefore I can only assume it is those deciding to take court action against the company as described above, as no-one else has been quite so dogmatic.

There have been several issues to deal with in the fallout and this is only one. The others have been dealt with, some for reasons I won’t disclose will take some time to resolve and have personal liability for which I take responsibility.

However, it all feels like I’m treading water and something grips me every so often to pull me under into the blackness, starving me of air. I know rationally that they cannot and will not succeed but the feeling, the claustrophobic reaction to this is compelling. I take responsibility seriously, feel like I have failed and this serves as a nagging reminder of that failure which will haunt me for the rest of my days.

I tried and that is something I don’t regret but I regret failing, even if it was to do with my health. I don’t take failure well, and even though I learn from it, it hurts when I think about it. I can’t even think about the last two years or anything that happened without strong emotions, pangs of guilt and pain. The continued efforts of others, despite the futility, serve only as a reminder of my failure and my inability to deal with my responsibilities.

I hope someday to make peace with my memory of this time, but for now I will concentrate on getting well, getting out the other side and starting to swim.

The world can be a strange place and people, even more strange.

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