When does recovery call?

One week in with the new meds and they are running along side the current ones, which are to be phased out. I think it’s fair to say they are kicking the crap out of me.

For most of the day I sit in a bit of a daze with the world passing by, or fast asleep. I do things because I have to and it does take a bit of effort to get myself going. Like making dinner for us all, getting the kids from school, etc. Then the evening comes and I start to feel awake again, a bit more aware, less drowsy. It becomes bed time, I take a pill and 30 mins later, I’m ready for sleep.

I hope to hell this settles down to allow me to operate daily as it is irritating me. As I am irritated, I either go quiet or show my irritation by being irritable with those that don’t deserve it.

It’s a waiting game. Waiting to see if the meds settle before I do more damage to people around me, no matter how supportive they’ve been, especially Lady M. And that is unacceptable.

It’s how this illness rolls. Not content with kicking you down, once you’ve got help and taking meds, it tightens its grip on you with the meds assisting for a little while, pulling you down to keep you there, not letting you get above your station, which is Rock Bottom. Or so you think, as it surprises you with something else to take you past what you thought was Rock Bottom.

I’m not wallowing or getting bogged down, I’m just tired, physically and mentally shattered again and in need of a break. Yes, there are good things that I do, like yesterday going for coffee and peace, but I paid for that with sleep, lots of it. It’s got to the stage now that I am planning time to rest before and after doing something as I know it will be needed.

I know it’s the meds and I know it will take time to bed in, but it is always that, time to heal. When does it payback? I have a referral to a specialist and an appointment due, the meds need to settle and that all takes time.

Feeling back to my old self for a while would be a very welcome development.

Hope everyone is doing well today and wishing you good mental health.

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