I seem to be sleeping for my country again. Usual pattern of being down, sleep later in the morning, sleep in the afternoon, go to bed and then sleep late the next morning. Repeat.
I take it as it comes and if it is needed, I sleep. Damn frustrating though – when the going gets tough, the ill have a wee sleep to get them through it. Can’t see Billy Ocean singing that anytime soon, or ever. And when did he get the white hair, beard and dreadlocks?
I digress, but that’s the mind sometimes, especially when trying to drop off at night, urgent questions about Billy Ocean’s hair.
Why so much sleep though? Most likely it is just the energy required to fight this illness, the energy expended in being constantly tense and the racing mind, it just saps the very soul from you. I’m lucky, I can generally sleep in a blitz and have been known in my youth to sleep in nightclubs…..it’s a rare talent to have that one. Not narcolepsy, just ability to sleep.
When going through the first breakdown episode, I had real trouble sleeping. I was exhausted, would lie down and the anxiety would run riot. I don’t mean did I turn that plug off sort of feeling, I mean swamped with a fire hose of fears and predictions of multiple incidents that will lead to personal Armageddon. I’d lie there tense and thrashing, then get up as I didn’t want to disturb Lady M and go to do some work on spreadsheets or research toasters, anything to try to quiet my mind.
I started to take Nytol, a sleeping aid, and that helped me get drop off but what gave me the best sleep was medication. It leveled me out and allowed me to sleep at night without the massive panic attack swamping me. It was still there but less bandwidth to it and I learned a few techniques to help me get some sleep, usually a mind palace where I was elsewhere, my Happy Place, feeling the wind, sand, sun, rain and experiencing the noises, all the sensations lit.
I kept going and going, until I hit the wall again last year and ever since, I feel I’ve slept my way through everything. I take it as it comes but when will I feel better and have more energy?
I have no answer, no clue to this and I don’t think even Velma from Scooby Doo would find any, so on I go with it all, in the hope that recovery will come soon.
I may need to sleep now.
Be kind to yourself.