This week has been hard. No real idea why, just has been hard. Seems cruel after a week of feeling so much better where I felt like doing things and did, this has snuck up on me with the stealth of a tiger targeting lunch.
It’s a feeling of holding on to sanity, to mentality, to emotion at all times. My body is tense and breathing is shallow, so I’m try to elongate that with some deep breathing exercises. My head seems full of fog, thinking is not working well and I’m irritable. When irritable I just withdraw further, shut the hell up and don’t engage as no-one deserves to be on the end of that. Well, not my family anyway and the ones that do are nowhere near, so it’s stfu time.
Added to that, I look frantically online for things to read, to engage with in order to keep my mind busy from focusing on feeling as well as some darker and more unpalatable thoughts that creep in to whisper from time to time.
Emotionally, it feels like a dam is backed up somewhere inside, leaving me part on edge and partly numb. Maybe more a sewer or a chemical sludge, and it’s leaking. Uncomfortably numb, to subvert the song title, as it fits.
I’ve no motivation whatsoever, not opened mail in a week and no intention of doing so for now. There may be something important in there, maybe someone is looking to bring Armageddon to my door at a given date and time. If so, well fuck it.
I made some bread this morning, Irish Soda bread which I know the family loves and it’s a weekend treat for us. It’s turned out great, looks fab and now cooling on the tray. I should feel happy about that as I normally do when something I try comes out well, but not today. Might as well have picked it up from the supermarket for all I care.
Not one shit is given. And I bloody hate that emptiness with a sense of a flood at the gates, waiting to break through.
And the sinking, sliding feeling into darkness is the worst as it’s so hard to stop in its tracks. It’s relentless in its creep too, slowly pervasive and hauling me down efficiently with a vice like grip, down further and further.
I shouldn’t be near people today but don’t really know how to avoid them if I go out as this area of the world is quite heavily populated and I don’t want to stay in to give my family my crap once again to deal with. It’s a puzzle that has no real answer.
All I can do is keep breathing, keep doing positive things, keep my mind busy and it will pass, hopefully soon.
As a great man said, when going through Hell, keep going. I’m trying, I really am.