As you know, all has been good for a week or so, feeling better about myself and being in good health. I have managed to do things I would put off or ignore previously and even met a friend for lunch yesterday, which I wouldn’t do for a long time.
That came to a crashing halt yesterday. It was Rory’s school play last night at a local theatre, Joseph and the Technicolour Dreamcoat. On going up to the theatre, I started feeling anxious and uptight, for no reason. We got in the venue, it’s a small theatre and quite tight inside with a vestibule that seems more like someone’s front hall in size. The anxiety was rising, daughter must’ve felt it too as she behaved on edge which resulted in me losing it with her briefly.
One second irritability and that’s the evening gone for enjoyment. I stayed quiet after that, trying to keep down the emotion of getting out, walking for a while to calm down and although I wasn’t on the edge of an anxiety attack, I could feel I could be if I didn’t get a hold. Fortunately the play started and because people were quiet, therefore couldn’t fuel my mood (in situations like this, people making the smallest of chatter or movements can really grate on me, which is not their problem but mine), I started to get calmer and focus on the play.
The kids gave it their all and were exceptional, with some fantastic performances and spirited singing. Was a good diversion for my mood but I elected to stay quiet for fear of letting my emotions rise and concentrate on keeping in check.
Afterwards, as well as now, I feel bad and beating myself for spoiling what should have been a good family night out. I apologised to my wife and daughter but to me, it is a recurring theme that is now sickening me. That of course leads to negative thoughts and here I am, once again, trying to fight off The Slide, drifting down into darkness. I didn’t sleep well as a result and that of course leads to a cycle where you feel worse, feeding The Slide.
That’s my work cut out for me today, I reckon.
On another note, I read this morning that a premier league footballer has been sectioned under the Mental Health Act after an incident involving police last night. I don’t know the details and feel for the man, hoping that he finds the help he needs to recover from this. The Daily Mail, a horrible prejudiced and nasty rag of a paper, instantly leapt into action, printing the headline ‘£55,000 per week premier league footballer sectioned under the Mental Health Act’.
What in the name of The Wee Man has his income got to do with his mental health? The implication there is that if you have the money, then there should be no issue. I note that the headline has been changed but it does show the level of ignorance towards mental health issues in general. The man is ill, the reports suggest he tried to harm himself and police detained him for his own safety. He has a family, he is human, he needs help and understanding.
I really do wish him a speedy recovery and the best of health. It’s a horrible place to be and can affect anyone at any time. No group is immune, everyone has a story. Try to be kind and understanding of others.
And most of all, be kind to yourself.