You know the feeling when you’re down, struggling and just can’t face life? Everything looks bleak, you’re pissed off and dragging everyone else around you down into the dark vortex, despite your best efforts against it.
That’s been me the past few weeks and it sucks. It’s not constant, it’s waves but at the low end of the scale and not a pleasant place to be.
When you’re down there in that lonely, dark and inhospitable place, it takes a lot to get drag you back. I mean a lot, but somehow Lady M always seems to be able to do it. I don’t know how the hell she manages it, or why the hell she continues to bother, but I’m grateful she does.
Yesterday, she just took control, after seducing me with coffee and scones in one of my favourite cafes. I’m always up for a bit of quality cafe seduction and she knows my weak spots and thank Pete for that. I say Pete in the Shrek sense, which fits best for me. I was difficult, in a dark place and she got me out from under the rock, talked me down and sorted the issues to relieve pressure on me.
It became clear that this was not just a spur of the moment discussion but something she had been thinking about and had set it all in motion. I won’t go into detail on it, as it is one of those private details that are best kept as such. And I know what the more deviant among you readers are thinking (you know who you are), it wasn’t that or even related.
Suffice it to say that she had seen the pressure point and decided to alleviate it before talking about it, bringing a solution rather than a suggestion. It lifted the cloud and allowed me to breathe, for which I am grateful.
This Sneaky Bastard of an Illness takes your self worth, you never feel deserving of any love or good at all. It makes you feel you deserve to feel the way you do, deserve all the bad things that happen and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, dragging you down further into a labyrinth of darkness.
Then someone takes you by the hand and shines light on things, revealing the true picture, not the one you’ve painted in dark colours. It’s always Lady M and I’m always grateful, so grateful. She’s pointed out what I know but wasn’t facing – I need more time to recover and it’s going to take time, however long that process. The panic was rising that I needed to get out and do things but not really capable or confident that I could stick any commitment, no matter how loose it might be. That was removed off the table and some pressure with it.
I don’t know how far I’ve got to go, but it’s a journey and not an easy one. With someone so strong, positive and resourceful on my side, it makes me feel better that I will get there at the right pace for me.
I hate feeling like this but accepting it just is and dealing with it is half the battle. I am so fortunate to have Lady M on my side.