Looking for something

It’s Monday, the kids have gone back to school after Easter and I loved the time with them, especially when we got away on holiday to my beloved highlands. Rory learned a few new hand signals and a few new words, while Abigail is growing into a young woman way too quickly.

Once again, I stand at the damned crossroads with no clue which way to go. I really have no clue and suspect I need some help, just don’t know where it’s coming from.

The meds are changing and having an effect, I’m pretty sure of that. I’m back at my GP this week, will have a chat with him about this and about other options. I tried CBT, it doesn’t really seem to have an effect on me. Mindfulness did have an impact and I need to be more committed to make the difference I want, that I need.

I need to force my backside up from the sofa, away from the house and do something. Just go for a walk, go see something, do something and immerse myself in something else.

Something. That word……

The something I want to do is go back to bed, pull the covers over my head and the world can manage fine without me for a while. However, I need to drag myself up and out at some point today to avoid sitting, agitating, ruminating. It’s not always the same things that are rattling around but many and I’m finding it hard, damn near impossible to relax again.

I have been touched and humbled by the amount of people who have got in touch recently with messages of support and sharing their stories, how things helped them or someone close. I really appreciate every single message and hope those of you struggling find some comfort in the fact you’re not alone, have others there to support, if needed.

Once again, I stand at the crossroads wondering what that something might be that will ultimately help me recover. There is no way I am ready for much right now and heading back to a fragile state, which is not where I want or expected to be right now.


I’m not religious in the slightest, more atheist than anything else, so that’s not the something. A woman told me when I took over the cafe that God talked to her and I was to know that I would be a raging success, he has it all planned for me. Look how that turned out or maybe there’s just a sick sense of humour there. No, that’s not for me.

More drugs? I hope not unless they are happy pills and good ones, I’m not sure that this is the right approach but will talk through that with the professional.

Therapy…..is that the something? Talking or learning or a beach? I know the beach therapy works, but I live in the most landlocked county in the UK, furthest point away from the coasts. Only visit in my Mind Palace, to quote someone who is a lot more clever than me. I wish it wasn’t the case, but that’s just one in the array of issues.

As said, I still search and try to keep one foot in front of the other. All I can do right now until I find something.

That elusive something.


8 thoughts on “Looking for something

  1. Do you still play any sports Richard? I always find that no matter how down I am feeling or stressed out about stuff that going for a game of golf is a surefire way to make me feel a bit better. Ok it may only be a short term fix but more often than not I find that just taking my mind off the stuff that is troubling me means that when I return I feel more able to cope with it.
    Just a thought mate and I hope you find your balance again soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Allan.
      I stopped playing for a fives for a number of reasons, mainly the illness.
      Just didn’t want to go.
      The sports I did were team sports, I don’t want people relying on me or with others, tbh.
      Prefer the call of the wild or nature.


  2. I always used to play team sports as well, mainly football. I started golfing (badly I may add lol) a couple of years before my first bout of depression and I honestly think it’s the thing that’s got me through sometimes. Now I am a member of a club and enjoy the social aspect and playing my comps on a Saturday, however I do still on occasion just go out myself and enjoy the peace and quiet. The way I play I get to see plenty of the scenery as well!
    Now golf may not be the sport for you but there is plenty of individual sports out there that may just be the thing you need! What have you got to lose?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Walking is good too mate, anything that gets you up and about is a good thing. I just prefer hitting a wee baw about while I’m doing my walking! What meds have they got you on now? I had a review of mine last week and because I have lowered my dosage so much on my own the doc wants me to try coming off them altogether, it’s a scary thought but I’m going to give it a go and see how I get on

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ve been on Sertraline for around 15 years now. I’ve came off it before a couple of times but after about 6 months had to go back on. It really is a sneaky bastard of a disease

    Liked by 1 person

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