It’s Monday, the kids have gone back to school after Easter and I loved the time with them, especially when we got away on holiday to my beloved highlands. Rory learned a few new hand signals and a few new words, while Abigail is growing into a young woman way too quickly.
Once again, I stand at the damned crossroads with no clue which way to go. I really have no clue and suspect I need some help, just don’t know where it’s coming from.
The meds are changing and having an effect, I’m pretty sure of that. I’m back at my GP this week, will have a chat with him about this and about other options. I tried CBT, it doesn’t really seem to have an effect on me. Mindfulness did have an impact and I need to be more committed to make the difference I want, that I need.
I need to force my backside up from the sofa, away from the house and do something. Just go for a walk, go see something, do something and immerse myself in something else.
Something. That word……
The something I want to do is go back to bed, pull the covers over my head and the world can manage fine without me for a while. However, I need to drag myself up and out at some point today to avoid sitting, agitating, ruminating. It’s not always the same things that are rattling around but many and I’m finding it hard, damn near impossible to relax again.
I have been touched and humbled by the amount of people who have got in touch recently with messages of support and sharing their stories, how things helped them or someone close. I really appreciate every single message and hope those of you struggling find some comfort in the fact you’re not alone, have others there to support, if needed.
Once again, I stand at the crossroads wondering what that something might be that will ultimately help me recover. There is no way I am ready for much right now and heading back to a fragile state, which is not where I want or expected to be right now.
I’m not religious in the slightest, more atheist than anything else, so that’s not the something. A woman told me when I took over the cafe that God talked to her and I was to know that I would be a raging success, he has it all planned for me. Look how that turned out or maybe there’s just a sick sense of humour there. No, that’s not for me.
More drugs? I hope not unless they are happy pills and good ones, I’m not sure that this is the right approach but will talk through that with the professional.
Therapy…..is that the something? Talking or learning or a beach? I know the beach therapy works, but I live in the most landlocked county in the UK, furthest point away from the coasts. Only visit in my Mind Palace, to quote someone who is a lot more clever than me. I wish it wasn’t the case, but that’s just one in the array of issues.
As said, I still search and try to keep one foot in front of the other. All I can do right now until I find something.
That elusive something.