From the little knowledge I have on body chemistry and the effect of SSRIs have on the body when changing dose on the body, even this small change appears to be having an effect.
I’ve gone from a standard 20mg per day to 10mg one day, 20mg the next. Even this small change has taken the carpet away from under my feet and I’m not in a good place at all. GP visit next week and we’ll talk it through, hopefully it will have stabilised by then as my head is all over the place at the minute.
Knowing that I need to be proactive, I started a CBT course last night and tbh, so far it doesn’t look like it’s for me. Talks about trigger events, warped thoughts and countering those thoughts. What if there is no trigger? What if it just is the way it is for me? I can still counter but somehow loses it’s power to help, for me at least. I’ll stick with it and see where it goes. Hell, I’m going to commit to it as that’s the only way to see if something works, but I do have my doubts. Nothing is 100% and I am more high functioning than this seems to be aimed at (not more intelligent, please be clear on that) and have been rationalising throughout the time the illness hit hard.
When the warpy thoughts hit, I am able to counter, see a different picture but my brain and mood do not change. I am a logical, rational person, or so I like to think – Lady M may well have a different view of this – taking the evidence and data presented, making conclusions based on such presented. I can see bullshit for what it is, so why am I still feeling like this?
That is the million dollar question.
If it is purely the shift in meds, then I need to buckle up as I will be going through this for a while until I’m clear of them and then I can see what really is still going on in my head and body. Maybe they are the issue? I really don’t know and have no clue. All I can tell you is the self doubt and lack of self worth is high again, without any real way of being able to deal with it.
For those not knowing what this is like, think of the time you did a really hard day’s graft and came home to just sit down in front of the TV to rest. You then need to make tea, the kids need running somewhere and then you realise you have an hour’s work on something that can’t wait. But you’re tired and have no motivation or energy to do a damn thing. Even going to the toilet is a challenge, you’re so tired. We’ve all been there.
Except with depression and anxiety, it’s like this the whole time you are staring into the black cloud and I’m not even coming close to explaining it fully, just giving a flavour. The worst feeling is hopelessness. Exhausted, no will, no motivation and you just feel there is no feckin point in doing anything as it will turn to shit anyway. Talking and discussing is even hard to do, even for those close to you. I still laugh with my kids and do daft things, as I don’t want them infected by my crap, remembering dad as a cowering lump who never spoke, didn’t get involved, didn’t do much.
I try but I don’t believe I am doing a good job.
I smile but I don’t believe it’s real.
I walk, talk and do without any real drive or enjoyment.
I can’t be bothered to do the simplest things.
Let’s hope the change in meds does help me but I am struggling here to find a path to recovery. It’s a slippery pole and I’m sliding back down too often.
I’m not at the bottom though. I’ve been there and I’m not going back.
Until tomorrow, friends. Be kind to yourselves.