Being active is great and achieving is even better. However, as said previously, I do find it tiring. This morning I was up early, got Rory ready (Abigail can get herself sorted with no supervision, just monitoring…..or geeing up), drove to Abigail’s school early as she is off to a school trip to London, overnight. She is going to a workshop in a major theatre and visiting Abbey Road Studios, for which I am extremely jealous.
Then back home to turn out pony, make breakfast for Rory & I (his roots were showing as he asked for porridge) and sit down to deal with some admin that needs doing, ie sending letters to organisations that seem to have the common sense of a spaniel at dinner time. They can only follow whatever tick box process is put in front of them and I have responded several times with something outside their process, so they respond with whatever they think their tick box sheet item is closest to the return.
It fails to get close, so back I go, hoping that someone with a modicum of intelligence gets to read the information and make a reasoned decision. I’m still hoping in this regard, but not with much optimism, such is the level of ineptitude displayed by these organisations.
Yesterday, I was accepted for a flexible home working job that will earn me some cash while I feel unable to work a full time or structured role due to my varying health. It pleased me, as it has been quite a few weeks in process and it’s finally coming to fruition, so this morning I will be getting on with the task of setting up for this role. If it can give some decent cash with no outlay, I’ve scored, or part of a varied income stream, I’ve scored.
That said, when I did open the mail to say I’ve been accepted, I was felt hesitance and a touch of mild panic as I wondered if I could do this, if I would let the company down or fail to do the job properly. Basically, it is the illness creating self doubt and negativity before I can even get started, something which I’ve got to get through to silence those thoughts.
Mental illness do this to you in a way that robs you of confidence, self-esteem and self worth. If I sat back and let it go to work on me, I wouldn’t do anything at all in case I fail or let someone down. It’s a ridiculous place to be as this role is not exactly taxing and something I can do easily, once I get a rhythm going but the voices of doom loom in the background, starting from a whisper before rising through the gears to a clamour.
And I wonder why I get tired easily? Mind and body is burnt out and I need to rebuild, then my overthinking saps whatever energy I have left after dealing with the moronic excesses of intellectually bankrupt automatons in organisations that deny any thinking or common sense to their practices.
I need a lie down now and it’s not even 10am. I’ve had coffee too, maybe should have more.
Be kind to yourself. Might as well, I’m struggling to do it.