Square peg, round hole.

All in all, I wish I’d just stayed in the damned house this morning.

I went into the local market town, which is a lovely place, intending to get some engine oil and a prescription. Setting off, I immediately fell behind two cars that were crawling along. I don’t mean five mph under the speed limit, I’m talking about half.

I managed to get round one, a dilapidated Nissan Micra (hateful cars that are always driven badly) and then stuck behind another. Then, there are the guys turning into / out of drives, the runners causing chaos as they are in a group on a country road and drivers generally being moronic in parking areas.

A journey that normally takes 15 to 20 minutes took 40 mins. I then realised that as we were a day later to get groceries delivered, the bank take money out for Monday. I needed to move money and call them, so did it from the phone. Then it was case of getting out of the car park while morons decided to try to knock me down. Not one, but a few.

Add to that, I forgot my prescription. My fault, mia culpa….Monday it is.

I had decided to walk round the outskirts of the town as there is one huge loop and did just that, me and my thoughts as I’d forgotten to pick up headphones. My own were damaged beyond repair recently in a hoover incident, so I neglected to collect some before going out.

All in all, an irritating morning, so far and it had only begun. I was reminded of a musical judge’s sheet which read ‘started of badly, went downhill from there’ (not my band, I hasten to add) and hoped against hope that it wasn’t going to be the case.

I walked a fair way as I really needed to walk out the irritation, build endorphins, let the rumination subside and try to get calm again. Every time I thought I was getting somewhere, something would just niggle again – the people walking four abreast straight towards me on an otherwise empty pavement (I’m six foot and built like a fridge), so I manoeuvre around them, the car that wants the bit of pavement I’m on or trying to cross and the driver accelerates to cut me off so they can join a queue of traffic. Nothing major, just annoyances.

Let me get this out of the way. I know you can’t control others or have high expectations of behaviour in other people – it simply doesn’t work like that. I can only be responsible for my actions and take the consequences as they come. No blame, no narcissism, no expectation. Simply observation and processing without prejudice.

This has become a slow water torture with the amount of minutiae crap that comes my way daily and I am no longer in a place to let it wash over me. It becomes tidal and that leads to being overwhelmed, unable to relax, nowhere to hide.

Then the dawning realisation that this was the cement on an inkling, possibly a quiet belief that I am in the wrong place and no longer belong here. I’ve said in previous posts where I’d rather be and the reasons why we are still here but now, the thought / desire just turned into a belief, a fact, an incontrovertible truth.

I don’t belong here anymore.

No histrionics, no melodrama nor emotional outburst. I just realised I’m done here and it’s overdue.

I texted Lady M and she’s not in the best of places, so we had a terse conversation and will need to sort that as we are tight as a couple. She has worked damned hard and put up with a lot of shit from me over the past few years, it takes a toll on her.

We need to find a solution and God knows what that might be but I’m not entirely sure I can stay here for the  duration of the plan that we have. I feel there is no earthly point me going out anywhere and staying at home is the best all round.

Not healthy, not family orientated but protective of me and where I am right now.

Trying to be kind to myself but it is getting increasingly more difficult. Wish me luck as I really think I’m going to need it.

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