Not so long ago, I was really active, with lots of energy to burn and always up to something. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always loved a sleep and sometimes an afternoon snooze on the sofa was fantastic. Isn’t that what Sundays are all about?
I’d wake in the morning, even if I slept in, with a compelling urge to get out of bed and go do something, even if that was watch TV or a quick walk round the village or the nearby country estate.
I’d train three nights a week and play a couple of games at the weekend too, all was good. Even when I stopped playing, we’d be off doing something or have plans to go on holiday, etc. Always on the go and the energy was positive, propelling me forward, enjoying life.
In a previous job, I used to drive a lot and never really found driving a chore or a problem with long distances chalked up. It wasn’t something that ever really phased me and a journey was always something I enjoyed.
Then the Sneaky Bastard of an Illness (depression and anxiety for those who don’t know) hit me and everything has changed. Tiredness and lack of enthusiasm for anything are my new companions, bedfellows that I don’t really want.
Today, I went to look at a car in Wolverhampton, which is about an hour and forty five minutes from me. I went there, drove back and went to pick up Rory from school. When we got back, I had a coffee (always) and then sat down for a while. I crashed out for almost two hours, waking in the position I had obviously fallen asleep, simply passing out through tiredness.
This is not after a hard week of work or lack of sleep. I am wondering how the hell I will ever function again normally, hold down a job or be useful to my family. Being tired is now the new normal, no matter how long I sleep or get regimented or exercise. I no longer feel compelled to get up and could lie in bed most of the day, with no real motivation to do anything or go anywhere. I will if I have to or if my family benefits, but I know the payback will be me flagging later on and crashing out, just like happened today.
It’s the sort of journey I used to do daily, plus a day’s work in between and now just there and back with an hour’s stop has drained me.
I’m not sure how to recover my energy and enthusiasm, regain my motivation or if indeed it will ever return. That is the hold of this illness which takes the very part of your being, the person you were and replaces you with a poor facsmile of you. A bit like when they changed the George McFly actor in Back to the Future – looked a bit like him, acted a bit like him, just a bit shit.
I’ve got my fingers crossed that with recovery, my energy, enthusiasm and motivation will return in order that I can be the massive pain in the butt I once was.