It’s late and I can feel the walls closing in on me. In fact, it’s been happening for a couple of days and this time, it’s not the slide.
I can feel anxiety building. Not a fully fledged panic attack, just a state of tension throughout my body, my thoughts racing and I’ve been struggling to keep it at bay. It tires me as well, meaning my energy is being used up and I’m tired. I crashed asleep earlier and hoping that I will do the same when I go to bed shortly.
For those who may not know how this feels, it’s like waiting for a phone call after an interview, waiting for the postman to arrive with your exam results, watching your team in a nail biter game like a cup final or a relegation battle. The difference is that I have no clue why I feel like this or what triggered the anxiety, but here it is, an uninvited tenant who is not giving me a clue when they are leaving and I’m paying the rent.
I use a few different breathing techniques to help me relax and reduce the tension in my body, calming the runaway river in my head, allows me some respite. Unfortunately, it does take its toll and I am paying.
Take in a long breath for the count of seven and exhale to the count of eight, almost emptying all your breath, dropping the shoulders, relaxing your body. Another is to breathe mindfully, listening to your breath in, breath out and scanning the body to relax any part that’s bunched up, noting how it feels, allowing the body to let go of the tension.
It helps but it’s been a hard day or two. I’ve set myself into isolation as I’m not in a place to talk or interact as normal as I feel irritable as a result of my anxiety, the definition of anxious. When I do speak, it’s curt and to the point, I try to smile and it’s forced. Even writing this now, I’ve lost my natural flow and the sentences are hard to come by.
One of my best friends is arriving tomorrow and I’m really looking forward to a good couple of days with him. Working now to be on good form and one great thing about old friends is that there is no expectation or demands, just being there for each other. That’ll do for me and can’t wait to see his face, share a few drinks, make the most of the time we have.
Please let this Sneaky Bastard of an Illness have passed by then and allow me to enjoy the experience with G. It’s robbed me of many things, I just hope we can keep it away this weekend.
I need to find a way to be kinder to myself and get my recovery moving forward. However, that really is easier said than done and I’m tired, so tired.