Human on auto pilot

Today has been lovely  and sunny so far. I got up, put on shorts (which always makes me feel good) and took the kids to school. The Trainee Eejits were in fine form and once again, we were having a mad laugh in the car. It really doesn’t take much with those two.

On the drive home, my bfam gave me a call and we had a good blether as he was heading in to work. I got back, turned out the pony at the yard, grabbed the dog, went for a walk round the village. It was a fine morning for a walk, one that Troy took great delight in and was smiling that daft doggy grin when we got back.

I then got in the car, went into town to buy some coffee beans and had some really great Burundi medium roast by aeropress, which is an extraction method similar to filter. Really damn fine coffee, over which I learned that Scotland is under a bit of snow and I’m sitting drinking coffee in the sunshine, wearing shorts.

Sweet. An opportunity to send a few folks up and went to it.

On the way home, I stop off to get my car cleaned by about 20 polish folks clambering all over it and they made a great job of it, as it is shining inside and out.

I got home and I’m wiped. A morning of pottering and I’m out of it, which I hoped I’d be over by now. I’ve no idea when I will get any energy back at all and hope it’s soon, as it’s exhausting being tired like this anytime after light exertion.

There is a strange feeling of disassociation. I’ll try to explain it: you feel like you are there but it’s almost like being on auto pilot, like you’re watching someone else do all these things. I know it’s me, I’m aware of every sense but it doesn’t feel quite real. It’s not tiredness, as this morning I wasn’t tired as I was doing things, just that I feel unreal, disconnected, an observer to my own life from within.

I have been here before and sometimes the remoteness in myself can be deafening. I really mean numb, like being emotionally deaf, adrift at sea and can’t feel a goddamn thing. Stringing a thought or a sentence together can be hard too but you manage it in a cumbersome way. I wonder what the hell my face is doing, if that is being as odd as I feel but I have no clue as any way of registering has gone. It’s not angry or sad…..crap, have I got resting bitch face without realising? What does that even feel like?

Back to the point. Not sure why this disconnected feeling has crept up today and taking a hold but I wish it sneak off again.

The Sneaky Bastard of an Illness always seems to have a surprise or two waiting in store for the unsuspecting, namely me. And this is something I am not sure about at all.

I will now shut my eyes, attempt to beat this thing and probably good idea I haven’t got access to a real fire, as hot coal therapy may have been on the cards. Not a real therapy, just a way of helping me connect with myself through the pain of burning tissue. Again, not happening as I have no fire, so a bit of meditation and midfulness will have to do.

If I find myself, great. If not, please have a look under a rock for me and send me home right away. Thanks awfully.

Be kind to yourself.

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