Today is an odd day for me. It’s my birthday and although it is nice receiving the good wishes from others, it is a time of reflection for me.
It’s not only my birthday, also my dad’s who passed away six years ago. I’m not going to dwell on this as there are some things there that are better left private, between the family and myself. It leaves me with a sense of melancholy, sadness as I remember him, usually him driving and we’re listening to music, singing. Happy memory, right there.
Happy birthday, Dad.
The other factor that gives me unease is that it’s a time of reflection throughout all my years since the midwife slapped my butt, face and then mother, as I believe I came out swearing. I look back and think what I’ve done, good and bad, and where I am now.
I was driving my daughter to a remote spot in Gloucestershire where she is hiking as part of her Duke of Edinburgh award, lucky girl, and a thought hit me as I was driving back. Rural Gloucestershire and Oxfordshire are tremendously pretty, with rolling scenery and well tended fields. There are some beautiful properties, with five bar gates, driveways and a lovely house with land, views over those rolling fields.
This was when it hit me – that was my dream at one time, our dream and we will never achieve it. That ship has sailed and gone. I wasn’t morose about it, just acknowledged that was the case and that the dream has been amended as our circumstances have changed. I made some bad decisions, which have cost us and our life is not exactly on the path that we expected but we are dealing with what’s in front of us. All we can do.
When I was younger, I had all these hopes, ambitions and plans that were akin to world domination, they have been amended on the way in light of my abilities versus reality. Then I became ill and all bets are off with only revision left. We are revising our present and our future, negotiating a hard road that will have the best outcome for our kids, secondly for us. It will be forever thus and is the correct way forward.
That odd feeling? Well, my birthday reminds me that it isn’t all about me and I’ve not made the best or worst fist of things, plus there are more important things in life. I could have done better and planned a lot more for this day. Alas, no point in regrets and we are where we are now.
Driving home to that realisation, I had the window down, the music loud and was singing my fool head off with a smile on my face. Thanks, Dad.
Bitter sweet moment for me, but it is my birthday, after all. As well as my dad’s.