Why I can’t commit

I’ve written about my illness for a while now and you may recall that I have had two serious events which can only be called breakdowns. The medical profession don’t recognise the term breakdown, as far as I understand it but for those who have suffered it, there is only one word for me.

I don’t know how I managed to keep working through it all and although people noticed the physical changes, they didn’t see the turmoil that was going on in my head. It’s the only way to describe it, abject chaos and none of it was good. Physically, I was in pain too.

I recall when Lady M convinced me to go to the GP. I say convinced, which was part of it but she made the appointment and may well have driven me there, I can’t quite remember that detail fully but feel it.

We sat in the waiting room which was crammed and for me, it was excruciating as the doctor was running an hour late. All we could do was sit there, waiting, with me just about freaking out. When going in to see the GP, she was lovely. She asked me the problem and I folded, like the wettest bloody lettuce leaf that ever has been. I couldn’t speak, couldn’t look up, couldn’t do a damn thing.

That was when Lady M took over. Calm, assured and caring, just carrying on where I left off, filling in the blanks for me. When I could finally speak, I carried on where she left off and she was right there every step of the way. I couldn’t be more grateful about that as I was a wreck.

I’ve now been a wreck twice. I’ve not worked since November and don’t know how I will be able to commit to anything strongly ever again. I’ve stopped doing a lot, like coaching, playing sport and even just doing simple tasks seem beyond me at times. I am not able to commit to social functions as I don’t know if I’ll be able to go and the thought of pulling out at short notice gives me chills as I’ll be letting people down, so I just don’t go.

I had to do it this week for an event at darling daughter’s school. Lady M was going as she was leaving work early and I was not in a state of mind to go. I texted her, which seems my go to thing, the written word rather than talking and once again, this amazing woman didn’t miss a beat. She just said it wasn’t a problem and she’d deal with it, which she did.

I never realise my fragility until it hits me and usually it hits hard when tested. I know I don’t like committing to much at the moment but it’s when I can’t even be arsed to do the small things, the mundane that I know that the illness is still working on me hard, the Sneaky Bastard.

I do have Lady M on my side though and that is a massive bonus, even though I feel I don’t deserve her. But that’s a whole other topic in itself.

Sometimes it’s hard to be kind to myself, but I must try.


3 thoughts on “Why I can’t commit

  1. Being kind to ourselves IS the hardest thing. I try hard to avoid ‘should’ words. I should be able to do it. I should have done it. And for you it wasn’t that you couldn’t be arsed – you couldn’t do it because you’re unwell 🙂 x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are a trooper sir. Respect to you and lady M. I don’t think I’ve experienced quite the same thing so I wouldn’t want to just say some cliche about looking on the bright side etc. I hope you pull through soon and I’m always here if that’s any constellation.

    Liked by 1 person

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