Why do I feel this way today?

Today, I’m puzzled.

As per my previous post, I felt The Slide hit and was not in the best place. I fought it and yesterday evening, I was wiped out but felt so much better.

This morning, I’m in a middle state. Feeling a bit like like I could go either way, like being on a slow roller coaster, blindfolded. It’s a strange feeling and one I hope I can influence.

My thought is that with my work yesterday, I managed to stave off the worst of The Slide, slowing it, possibly even halting it. I laughed with the kids, took the dog for a walk in the sunshine (yes, I had my shorts on), listened to a podcast and managed a kip in there too. I really tried to be mindful. All in all, this probably helped in my battle with The Slide.

And here’s why I’m puzzled. I’m still working out this damned illness and doing my best to operate in the chaos it brings but where is the stability? How can I get to the point where the episodes are less frequent and I feel less anxious, more relaxed, more capable?

This is what I can’t work out.

I will persevere with mindfulness, exercise, doing positive things but when does this all pay off? I also have a firm belief that I need a change of scene, somewhere else to be, a new way of life. I fully accept that this won’t happen for a few years yet due to family commitments but it doesn’t alter the fact I need a change. I’ve become jaded and resigned to a way of life here that I’m not entirely sure is healthy for me, but I have to make of it what I can.

The current climate of politics is not helping either. In the past few years we have had Scottish Independence referendum, then Brexit referendum, then Trump administration with the world giving a platform to the alt right. All these battles rumble on and in talking to others, there seems to be jaded air of resignation that we’re all going to hell in a handbag, that we’re just too tired to give a crap anymore.

And maybe that’s another reason for my in between days (not a cue for a song, although a very good one), my roller coaster moods at the moment, is that there is that palpable feeling we are on the edge of seismic change and not for the better, that something worse is around the corner and it’s coming for us.

In that analogy, I’ve just described depression and anxiety. Feeling there is something bad waiting for you, nothing you can do about it and worrying all the same.

I really wish I could be kinder to myself and I am definitely trying, but it’s got a lot harder.

Look after yourselves.

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