It’s midnight, I’ve been watching TV and frantically going through pages on the internet trying to keep my mind busy.
I’m feeling The Slide, trying to stave it off and failing miserably. I’ve had a good weekend, doing lots that I enjoy doing – sport, cooking, family, even baked bread earlier today which is a massive hit with my lot.
This past week, I’ve been feeling really good, upbeat and more back to my normal self, as per my previous post, today was no different. Got up, felt good, did things.
Until I was cooking a roast dinner, one of our favourites, and as it’s our anniversary, I wanted the family to enjoy it too. While making it, I felt odd but shook it off and stayed focused on what I was doing. Sat down before serving, the waiting time all cooks have while a roast is doing it’s thing and I fell asleep, dozed off for a short time. Not unlike me and I awoke a short time later feeling out of it, disconnected, remote.
The Slide was happening and I knew I needed to halt it. Lady M took one look at me and knew. God, that girl can read me like a trashy novel from the airport bookshop and she saw it, right away. I told her I was tired, I’m okay (aren’t I always?) and was a bit jaded. Bullshit, which she saw through and became silently supportive. I know Lady M will read this tomorrow, text me and say ‘I know and it’s okay’, being supportive. Not sure where it ends for her, but I’m grateful.
I’ve been trying to stay up, halt The Slide, breathe and concentrate on positives, keep my mind active, which actually went a little bit manic in trying to keep busy. A friend messaged me earlier, someone who has similar issues and he’s in a great place, of which I’m delighted, hope it continues. We were talking about people we know and I couldn’t remember the names, had to look them up. Another sign of my illness is that my memory gets robbed, making the retrieval of straightforward things like names or certain words, even memories, unrecoverable at that time, almost like a misfire or a false path on a database.
What do I do about this? I need to calm my mind, so I’ll switch off once done and try some mindfulness techniques, grounding me back to the present. I need to slow my thoughts, catch my breathing and once in control, go get some sleep.
When like this, I am not in the moment. My mind is ruminating and raking up old thoughts to chew on again, over and over. I want to be on the beach, walking, taking in the fresh sea highland air but that’s not possible right now. That’s actually bugging me, even though I’m 600 miles away. Therefore, I have to face it and live in the here and now to halt The Slide, or slow it the hell down.
Tomorrow is another day and I am on school run with my mini nutters, I know we’ll have fun. They are good for my mental health and hope I can be on form for them. I’ll certainly try, living in the moment, considering them…..as well as driving the car properly as that’s important too.
I’m going to try to be kind to myself now and hope you all can too.