It’s Sunday, I’m sitting with rugby on and wondering why I feel my mood sliding. To be honest, it’s one of those things that doesn’t need much of a push and more likely, there is little reason for it.
After reading about high functioning depression, there are four things that resonate strongly with me:
1. Lack of energy
I feel this keenly. I sleep well, get up to do some tasks and end up having another couple of hours during the day. All this after minimum effort is expended doing ordinary tasks which are not taxing, except to me. This leads to worry about doing work, any work as I get so wiped out.
2. Hard to find joy
At times, I feel it difficult to enjoy myself or immerse myself fully in anything. It feels like those times are sucking the energy out of me and nothing can make me feel happy. On the flip side, it’s not even sadness, it’s just numb. Mind numbing numbness, if that makes sense. It is more like I am unable to feel anything at all, apart from impending doom or gloom.
3. Constant self doubt
Then there is the constant questioning of myself. Did I do this right? Did I handle that well? Did I piss her off? What did I say wrong? Why the hell can’t I do anything right?
It is a constant theme and something I battle on a daily basis. No-one is a harsher critic of me than me, which leads to greater feeling of self doubt and the downward spiral continues.
4. Feeling of impending gloom
This is so very hard to explain. It’s almost like having your own personal cloud just above you, keeping the sun from shining on you, keeping you cold and possibly even wet.
It’s a lonely and isolating feeling, no matter if you are surrounded by people and engaged in tasks. You feel alone.
A good analogy is that you are drowning but you see everyone else breathing.
It’s a difficult place to be, feeling yourself slide and knowing there is little reason for it. All you can do is prepare yourself to ride it out and come out the other side intact. I attempt to keep a low profile, stay away from people, have idle chit chat instead of deep and meaningful conversations but that’s not always feasible.
Today, I was asked if I would help coach with Rory’s age group and I’ve had to decline, for now. The reasons are above and I wouldn’t want to start anything and let people down, especially kids who want to to play rugby. The expectation is way too high for now.
Right now, even as I write this, I am fighting sleep and exhaustion, knowing that I will give in shortly as it will overtake me. If I need to sleep, I do as it is the only way to keep up energy in the system and stave off burnout again.
I hope this is temporary and that energy with vigour will return. Until then, I will ride it out under a blanket, having a snooze.
Be kind to yourself.