The past few days have been good days. Not top of the world, just feeling good and no dark spots. Had a parents’ night for Rory and he is doing brilliantly. Spent time with the kids, ferrying them back and forth to school and at home afterwards, which is great fun.
I find when in the good place, it is a good time to reflect, learn and try to put things in perspective. I’ve been developing my Mindfulness exercises, which are helping greatly and using some of the energy to challenge some of the more negative thoughts that live with me.
One aspect is how much worth I am to my family. When I look back, there are markers and one memory is Lady M & I pushing Abigail in a pram around the grounds at Blenheim. Some lovely country walks there, well worth a visit and locals get the use of it for free, not to the palace though.
I remember saying then that I was not good enough for the family and that they would be better off without me, I was just a bloody hindrance. Lady M leapt to my defence immediately and was having none of it. I just put it down to wobbles of being a new parent and pressure of delivering for more than just the two of us.
This feeling of never being good enough hasn’t ever gone away. I was the same at any work I’ve done, waiting on the moment to be told I’m nowhere near the mark or to be targeted in a hate campaign, all that sort of thing which did happen but more of a self fulfilling prophecy, as I look back on it. I was always waiting for that tap on the shoulder to say ‘clear your desk, you’re done’.
When I feel this most is still with the family, especially the kids. They are fantastic humans, warm hearted, fun, clever and in the main, polite. A real pleasure to be around but I take little credit in this at all and lay it all at the door of my darling wife, who works tirelessly to ensure the kids are happy, have everything they need, is a champion for their cause when needed. Another person I feel I don’t deserve.
This illness grips you in a way that drives you down into the pit of yourself so that you feel alone, worthless and undeserving of love or attention, even if you have the best of people around you, supporting you, wanting the best for you.
Of course, it is just the anxiety and depression talking, giving you the script of how worthless you are as a father, a husband, a worker, a person. It is not the reality and although I may not be the best of those roles, I do have qualities and I must focus on the positives to help lead me out of that thinking. Distancing myself from those negatives, dealing with them and putting them away in a box marked ‘Negative Crap’ will only help me on my road to recovery.
My family are fantastic and one thing I am learning is how to be a better person everyday, improve myself for their sake and get well again. A long journey starts with a small step and so it continues, with progress being made. No real destination as it is a constant journey, but I am so much stronger having this lot on my side, especially Lady M who continues to have my admiration and love.
Still don’t think I deserve her, however that might be right on this occasion.