My brain is arguing with itself

Not an isolated occurrence, I got up this morning and feeling a little subdued. No reason or clue why, just the way I am today.

Came down and Rory was playing on his X-Box and Lady M was turning out the pony, Abigail still sleeping, a usual morning for us when all home. Rory was having a great time playing Plants v Zombies, a cracking shoot every git going game and was getting really into it, shouting at his enemies, explaining loudly and rapidly what he was doing. He was being an 8 year old boy engaging his dad and I am not going to discourage that.

However, the walls felt like they were closing in, couldn’t think, couldn’t read, couldn’t keep a train of thought. Nothing different or wrong with what the family were doing, the difference is in me today.

Rory and Abigail are now out at friends’ house, playing for a few hours with people we know well and really like. Lady M has taken the dogs for a walk and I declined, as all I want is solitude, collect my thoughts, write. Breathe.

We have so much thrown at us in modern life, so much information, so many things to do and the brain wasn’t designed for that. There is a theory that we have three brains in one – Reptilian, Limbic and Neocortex. These are all interconnected, work together and against each other at times.

The reptilian deals with the basics. It says hunger, sex, loo, scratch the itch, the primitive side of things.

The limbic, or mammalian brain deals with feelings and memory while the neocortex is the thinking part that’s developed. Sometimes they just clash and get overloaded as really the design is more about hunting food than sitting at a computer & TV, taking in loads of info, especially when all the Reptile & Mammalian brains want to argue over being hungry & horny and what they are feeling, memories that are being provoked with random thoughts. The neocortex just screaming at them both to just shut the hell up as you’re trying to think.

And all your 8 year old son wants to do is involve you in his game of killing zombies and getting to blow up a gnome. Certainly not his fault that in my head there’s a discussion going on and I’m trying to control it, so I smile and talk, give him encouragement while asking him to dial down the shouting at the screen, even though I know that it’s epic shooting the zombie freaks.

I am enjoying the peace now and as I reflect, I know I must get more on the path of Mindfulness. I must develop the techniques, find a bit of peace and be positive to stabilise my moods, counteract The Slide when I feel it happening. I must help the Neocortex voice get control of the other two voices who are being overwhelmed and then overwhelming the thinking brain in turn. And I must manage my thinking when it all comes on top to help me regain my stride.

It’s a daily struggle, good days, bad days and I am working to the point of recovery. Maybe it will be to a point of equilibrium but I have to accept that I am not in the best health, I am recovering and not to be hard on myself, or anyone else.

Then I can really get into kicking some zombie butt as a sunflower with Rory.


4 thoughts on “My brain is arguing with itself

  1. Have to say once again Richard that I really think you should write a book! Whether it be a collection of these blogs or something else entirely (I actually think you may be a really good writer in the making) I think it would be a great read and would also help you to channel your thoughts into something that could lead you towards a new vocation in your life.
    Anyhoo, that’s just my tuppence worth so feel free to ignore me lol, I’ll keep enjoying your blogs anyway big chap


    1. Thanks, Allan.
      Really appreciate that and never say never.
      I don’t know what the world will bring years from now, where I’ll be, what I’ll be doing. Or even weeks from now, tbh.
      I may well get that book written after all.
      Thanks for your support.


  2. It’s like being in a secret place and nobody knows you’re there. It’s lonely. Detached. A few years ago I was on holiday for a week with my best friends. We cried with laughter and a great time was had. I was in that secret place the whole time. It was exhausting trying to make it not noticeable. There’s a certain pride in having managed that. I drew strength from their love and their fun, as you do with the family x


    1. I know exactly what you mean.
      You can be surrounded by people, interacting, being fun but you are in a place that is remote from everyone else.
      The mask slips every now and then but you keep it up.
      Keep on with it, Brawburd. It’s a journey but worth it.


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