I’ve had a hard weekend health wise. Nothing drastic, just low mood and feeling bad about myself. When like this, I try to keep busy, stick to light topics and avoid toxicity. There can be a lot of that on social media.
On waking, there is an emptiness, a chasm where feelings and drive were previously. It leaves me numb, cold and remote from others, knowing that I will not react well to negatives today. Pull the covers over my head, take the phone off the hook, lock the door.
Even the Scotland rugby result couldn’t shake it and that was momentous.
Two friends had 50ths this weekend and I couldn’t go, couldn’t commit to go when invited and it’s just as well as illness would have benched me. It’s the life of someone who suffers from mental health issues, avoiding planning events as you don’t know how well you will be.
Nothing much triggered it and although I had a moment with Lady Mackay, something all couples do, which I’ll keep personal for fear of reprisals – don’t want a good smack….again. It put me back a bit and no-one’s fault, just the way I react at times to certain triggers. Then we have the current news climate, which is unfathomable at the way some are reacting in the world and this leads to toxicity on social media, which looks more like all out cyber war at times. Some can’t stay rational, polite and debate their point at the same time, can’t take a challenge or opposite view. As a friend said recently, cognitive dissonance is on the rise, in a big way, and it is causing people to become more illogical, unreasonable, toxic.
Maybe it’s all these factors combined or maybe it’s just the way I woke up, something in my chemistry said ‘Nuh-uh. No way. You’re mine for a while.’ Who knows for sure? It’s how you deal with these moments that is important and I’m still learning. I may be a bit of an eejit but I never stop learning, viewing every day as a school day. It’s the way I’m wired and enjoy researching, learning, discovering.
There is a positive side to social media though and that’s when you see people at their best. I am in a fortunate position to have people online who are very supportive, some old and dear friends, some newly met, all being people who make themselves available to talk. I am always humbled and very grateful for kind offers from others, reaching out just to say hi, that they are there if needed. That’s part of this condition in that you don’t think you are worth it, no-one cares and why the hell should they? This applies even to those closest to you and against all reason, you just feel you don’t deserve the care and affection of others.
It’s the little things that help though. Lady Mackay quietly hugging me, not a word said just a hug in passing. My kids are also great at small kind acts which make me smile, simple things like stopping playing on X-Box and saying ‘there you go, Dad’ and the teen (we call her Kevin, as in Harry Enfield character) gives a high five in passing.
Small things, but mean so much.
There was a lovely exchange this morning on Twitter with people going through the same issues as me just reaching out and showing kindness. These acts of humanity and understanding are welcome and I do feel so much better for knowing that there is positive intention for others out there.
If you have a friend or loved on going through a hard time, be there. That’s all they ask. You can’t fix it for them, it just has to run its course and all you can do is be there, with the small things, the offer of talking.
Be kind, be human. That’s all anyone can do in this chaotic world as all we really have is each other.
And remember to be kind to yourself.